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Improve Communication
"Is
Silence really Golden?" by
Susie and Otto Collins
A couple of weeks ago, we went to
the movies and right before the actual movie started, there
was a 30 second commercial on the screen reminding us that "Silence
is golden."
While
this is helpful advice for a movie theatre, we don't think it
works very well when it comes to communicating in relationships.
The
problem is that many people in relationships think that if they
just keep silent and not say what they are thinking or feeling,
their relationship will be better off than if they had said
what was on their mind.
While this sounds good in theory--
it doesn't work in reality. When we keep our feelings to ourselves,
it may temporarily keep the peace and keep the relationship
going smoothly but in the long run, this creates distance, separation,
mistrust and dries up passion like a weed in the desert.
In
our previous long-term relationships, both of us kept silent
about our thoughts and feelings that were important to us because
we didn't want to make waves in the relationship. While
this wasn't the only contributing factor, both of our previous
marriages ended in divorce.
In our relationship, we made an agreement
early on to be honest about our thoughts and feelings with each
other no matter how difficult or painful this might be.
One
of the contributors to our "Should You Stay or Should You Go?"
book told her story about how she didn't keep silent in her
relationship. She told us that she was best friends and engaged
to a man who lived in a city several states away from hers.
Sometime after he had moved to her city and they had decided
to get married, she began feeling that the relationship would
not work. She agonized for weeks, and after much prayer, she
told him her painful truth--that she felt in her heart that
their relationship "wasn't right" and there were too many differences
between them.
She
told us that once she was honest with herself (and with him),
her pain disappeared. Now we're not saying that everyone has
to know every thought and feeling that you have.
We
are saying that if you want to live an authentic, vibrant life
and perhaps have a connected, passionate, alive relationship,
silence is not golden.
We have found that the best way to tell
your thoughts and feelings so that the other person can hear
is to simply say what is true for you without pointing the finger
at them (making them wrong.)
Sometimes
this is easier said than done when the subject is a particularly
thorny one between the two of you. But what we have found is
that if you both can listen to each other until there is some
sense of understanding, without emotionally or physically running
away, you can work through almost any communication issue or
challenge.
Withholding your thoughts or feelings--hoping
that it will all be O.K. if you just keep silent-- is rarely
a strategy that works.
Making
and keeping the agreement that you will both share your thoughts
and feelings with each other and stay open to each other without
becoming defensive helps to create more trust and intimacy in
the relationship. We invite you to make this agreement or other
agreements with the important people in your life.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins,
authors of "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More
Jealousy" are experts at helping people get more of the love
they really want. Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving
relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:
http://www.Relationshipgold.com
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